Match Report: Classic Halloween Tournament, Nash Wins Again

Final Score:
hard to say…
Nashville wins it by a try and a boat-race!

This long-awaited article is late due to the unfortunate absence of NWRFC’s world-renowned sports columnist at this year’s Halloween Match. (There was also the matter of traditional influences that make this annual match more of a social than anything.) Our poor captain attempts to pen the infamous event in Rainy’s stead:

Barely a gaggle arrived at Parque de Possum. As I (very hazily) recall the Nashville crew was made up of a zebra, a lion cub, Rafiki, a moose/fox/thing, the King of the Wild Things, and a collection of sexily-clad ferocious kitties. Knoxville’s numbers were similar as Mr. Gru only brought seven minions with him. How could he possibly think of taking over the world with just seven? But don’t you worry, dear reader! Our Tennessean neighbors came to save the day! An impressive showing of Chattanooga cavewomen and Johnson City animals joined in the mix to give Nashville and Knoxville full sides. What could have been a wee little game of sevens turned into not 2… not 3… not even 4… BUT FIVE glorious 20-minute segments of costume-themed rugby!

Right at the beginning the Nashvillian Safari Cavewomen made an impressive showing. In what will go down as the proudest moment in her rugby career, the Nashville captain won flip-cup against Knoxville’s notorious reigning champion. This gave the herd first pick. But it was the Knox minions that made the first try with an amazing breakaway initiated by their cavewoman scrumhalf! Who’d have thought such a short-statured and goggle-wearing yellowins could run so fast?

It was Nashville’s turn to score. A wonderfully executed 8-man pick from a leopard-print cave-woman lured the defense away from the animalistic back-line. Our amazon-like Zebra then was able to score flawlessly. The try was followed by a devastating kick. But thank goodness there was liquid fruit hanging from the goalposts to refuel our striped fly-half!

Speaking of liquid fruit, the rest of the tries and awesome defensive plays become blurrier and blurrier for your poor writer. Please excuse the lack of details praising all the wonderful plays by both sides. But I will say this: the Nashville locks deserve to be recognized for their cat-like reflexes in defending against the strong Knox back-line. Their constant momentum along with the King of the Wild Things riveting hollers were felt by all. Also, I have no doubt that Nashville’s All-Blacks inspired cheer had a remarkable influence on the pace of the game. The Cavewomen/Animals’ scary-ass rendition of “What Does the Fox Say” will forever haunt those poor minions

I’ve been talking about cavewomen, animals, and minions all day. But what about those Johnson City gals? What remarkable plays have they done!? Well, by far the greatest play of the day was conquered by these talented women. They almost single-handedly won the game-saving halftime boat race! TWICE! We all know Gru cheated the first round (an unfortunate bad-guy habit).

In a devastating twist of faith after half-time, a Benedict Arnold move was made. Nashville’s Moose/Fox/Thing switched over to the dark side and joined the minions! Her playing was aggressive and on-point gaining the Knoxville team another great player. Plus some pajama college girls swooped in as well. With all these advantages for the minions, it’s unbelievable that it ended up being the Nashville side that won by a try and the boat race.

Now, it’s time to dedicate this win to our lost comrade. I must flaunt the valiant efforts of our dear Rafiki. Full of wise-sayings and lion-cub-holding-skills, this baboon, took the blunt of penalties for our team. Such a sacrifice weighed down on poor Rafiki. Like the great King, Mufasa, our fearless mandrill fell in the 5th quarter unable to hold off any more bludgeoning. And when I say fell… I mean literally… just tipped over without a minion or Guru in sight.

By Gina Durkan

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